Updated Israeli Loyalty Oath (V3.1)

From the Ministry of Rights, Duties And/Or Responsibilities (MORDOR)

The Ministry of Rights, Duties And/Or Responsibilities (MORDOR) has an updated loyalty oath that a very specific type of Israeli, and only that specific type of Israeli, must commit to memory, take to heart, and be ready to recite —in both directions— at any given moment.

Oath begins:

[FACE TO CAMERA, RECORDING SELFIE] “I, [NAME, ADDRESS, WEIGHT, HEIGHT, POLITICAL AFFILIATION, TOTAL $ WORTH, SEXUAL ORIENTATION, PARENTS’ SEXUAL ORIENTATION] swear to uphold both the letter and spirit of the following Loyalty Oath, and all future Authorized Loyalty Oaths so help me God Blessed Be He/Him. This is me [REPEAT AS ABOVE] recording this freely and under no duress or influence campaign, on [[DATE, TIME, LOCATION, SEXUAL PREFERENCE]].

“This Loyalty Oath cancels all preceding Loyalty Oaths, Vows, Creeds, Statements, Slogans and Sound-bytes I have ever made regarding who I am, where I come from, and where I’m going. Similarly, this Oath overrides any Court Ruling, Declaration of Independence, State Statement, Diplomatic Cable, or Emergency Military Order regarding issues of Nationality, Ethnicity, and Identity (NEI). This Oath also supersedes my Passport (but you’ll still need your passport in the unlikely event you’d leave the country—why would you leave the country?)

“I swear allegiance to Great Israel as an Always Jewish and Oftentimes Democratic State of Mind, where applicable and not non-undeniable. I affirm my support for the Several States for One Peoples solution to any current and future conflict, in perpetuity and retroactively.

“I understand that all of Judea, Samaria, and Gaza (Occupied AMALEK Territories), the Sinai (Occupied Prime Real Estate), Upper Northern Israel (Occupied Lebanese AMALEK), Giant Golan Heights (Occupied Syrian AMALEK), Persian Gulf (Occupied Gulf of Judea) were always, and will always be, indigenous to Israel, retroactively and in perpetuity, and not non-undeniably.

“None of this is to prejudice our indigenous and not non-undeniable rights to other recently indigenously-occupied lands which are yet to be retroactively indigenized by us in perpetuity. These include, but are not limited to, the entire Euphrates River Region (Occupied Near Pre-Israel) and New Jersey (Occupied Far-Northwestern Israel).

“I further swear on my children’s graves [[STATE LOCATION, LOT, ROW, SIZE, CHILD’S CURRENT GENDER PREFERENCE]] that should I not enthusiastically and with measurable OOMPH act 110% according to this Loyalty Oath and all future Authorized Loyalty Oaths, then uniformed or un-uniformed representatives of my elected representatives will be fully entitled Under Law to insert my said Children into said graves forthwith and without any argument, but after they’ve brushed their teeth.

“I swear to dedicate my body, business, assets, investments, properties, off-shore accounts, crypto wallets, SaaS Platforms, Avatars, and AI Agents to the defense of The Elected Coalition by any means necessary. This commitment naturally extends to all members of my household and anyone who rents property from me in perpetuity, retroactively, and indigenously.

“I swear allegiance to the Great Israel Total Victory Forces B”SD (GITVFB”SD), whom I serve indefinitely, indigenously, and in perpetuity, and to which I am on record as being pre-happy to give my life to—and the lives of my immediate/divorced family— for whatever reason, even and especially if no reason is given.

“I swear to storm any hill repeatedly, jump on any grenade, slide into any tunnel, throw myself under any armored vehicle, act as bait for enemy tanks, and sacrifice any and all of my children, on any front and against all enemies, foreign and especially domestic.

“I commit to sacrificing my life, and the lives of my immediate/divorced/newly discovered genetic family at any moment, location, age, and medical condition, including deep coma and coming back from the dead, where applicable. I take it as a Given that it is good to die for Our Elected Coalition.

“I understand that an Order is an Order, and without Order there is no Order. Everything is Ordained. I swear to never become an agent of chaos, change, transformation, reform, or support any method of structured national reflection and reconciliation. I swear to hunt down and crucify any such agents and their extended families whenever I become aware of them. I will not wait to report them first. Kill first and ask for forgiveness later. As it is said in The Talmud: “If someone comes to change you, rise up and kill him first.”

“I swear to pay any taxes, levies, tolls, tributes, duties, and tariffs for whatever purpose Our Elected Coalition and its immediate families in perpetuity deem necessary, without argument or invoice.

“I will fear nothing because I believe. And though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death I shall fear no elections.

“Amen.”