Notes From A Suburban Superpower
Markets Up! Enemies Down! Let’s Eat!
Nothing says “Superpower” more than discussing UX features with the product team over Zoom while the building next to yours blows up and catches fire.
“The ‘NEXT’ button is too similar to the PLAY button, can we change the color scheme?”
“You mean change the color?” What’s a scheme?
“Um, yes just change the color on the button.”
“OK will do. BTW why did you say scheme? Color “scheme”? Why not just say change the color?”
“I think you’re on mute.”
“What? Can you hear me?
“Woah! What was that?? WTF was that?? Did you hear that? WOW.”
“Hear what? I didn’t hear anything.”
“You didn’t hear that HUGE EXPLOSION? Are you kidding me? Have you gone into shock?”
“Not at all, I’m on Moot Mode. Everything that’s not right here, right now, in this very moment, is mooted. When I’m on Moot Mode nothing exists but my clients or colleagues. I’m all in. I have ears just for you. Now where were we? The scheming color.”
“Mumbles. Inaudible. Holy Effing Shit man, are you OK?? Your entire frame shook in that blast.”
“What blast? There’s no blast. Whatever you think you heard, if you actually heard it, is a totally normal sound here. Nothing to see/hear. Let’s move on. Everything is OK and if it weren’t OK that’s totally normal too.”
“What’s that smoke coming through your window then?”
“Oh that’s nothing. Normal smoke. The old man from downstairs barbecues from his lounge. It’s a gas barbecue. Steaks mostly. Sometimes chicken. Totally normal.”
“What about those screams then? Are those children screaming?”
“OK. Look. I can see this is bugging you. Let’s check the news to put your mind at ease. Can you let me share my screen please? Thank you. OK let’s look at the headlines. Just look at these beautiful headlines.
Israel Gains Cognitive Dominance Over Its Enemies (Kudos!)
Army Promises War Machine Product-Market Fit Next Quarter
Enemy Still A/B Testing Its Response
Top Enemy General Who Replaced Previous Top Enemy General Killed
Rockets Delay Office Lunch Deliveries, CEO Vows Total Annihilation By EOD
Iranian Nuclear Scientists Keep Exploding; Accidents Ruled Out
Tuesday Roundup: Markets Up! Enemies Down! Let’s Eat!
“And it goes on. More of the same. You see, nothing to see/hear. No smoke, no bangs, no screams. Where there’s smoke there’s mirrors. Everything is OK and totally normal. Let’s get back to work. So, what about that scheming piece of shit color? I could kill that color. And its family. Die color family.”
