“Sometimes, the shit just seems
Everybody only wants to discuss me
So this must mean I'm disgusting.
But it's just me, I'm just obscene.” —Eminem.
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While sipping an Almond Milk Cortado I survey the patrons huddled at intimate tables in my neighborhood cafe. Genocidal settler colonialists the lot of them. Not an innocent civilian in sight. Baby Killers. Savages of Suburbia. Wolves in Lululemon clothing.
Each morning I like to take a moment to plan the day ahead. Today I’ll be harvesting the organs of indigenous children and aggravating every aggrieved person on the planet. I just need to figure out how to fit it all in between work calls, dog walks, and kid pickups. Now where did I put my Go-Pro?
Consider the moment: Everywhere you look it’s all about us. The Jews are at the center of the universe. Just where they said we’d be. Pulling all the strings, drinking all the blood. A Black Hole unto the nations, sucking all the universe’s attention. Everything, everywhere, all at once is about us. Or, more accurately, the undoing of us.
What a time to be alive! Everyone wants us dead!
Never mind anything else going on in the world, everyone only wants to discuss us. From the cement tunnels in Gaza to the ivory towers in Massachusetts, it’s all about us. 12,300 km away from us, a teachers’ union in Vancouver holds a school walkout over Gaza. Is that in the syllabus?
The world has had enough of us and can’t seem to get enough of us— at the same time. Who can blame them? This is heady stuff. Genocide! Settler Colonialism! The New Nazis! Those are BLOCKBUSTERS! This is outrage-worthy.
We’re doing to Gaza what the Gestapo done to us. The International Brigade has joined this century’s Spanish Civil War, in Gaza. There is only one Occupation, but there are 2 Holocausts. A systematic ZIONIST KILLING MACHINE, murdering tens of thousands of innocent civilians, mostly women and children.
Breaking news bitches: We’re on the wrong side of history.
To many TikTok historians, the current location of history’s exact “line” couldn’t be clearer. History works like this; one day you can be on this side, the next day on that side, one can never be sure. But they’re sure.
So the lesson for us: don’t let history out of your sights. Watch it like you’re a surveillance camera. History is an unpredictable anti-Semite, you don’t want to get on its wrong side. 9 Billion surveillance cameras watching history can’t be wrong, right? Nothing else happening anywhere in the world matters, right?
History is judging us, in real time. At the Hague Court, where history’s line is at its most clearest, the Honorable Representative from lovely Libya stands as our prosecutor. He follows the Honorable Representatives from Honorable China, Iraq, Jordan, South Africa, Iran, Kuwait, Lebanon, Luxembourg (!), and Mauritius. WTF Luxembourg?!
At the Global Kangaroo Court, AKA TikTok, we’re getting lynched.
How is this happening? Is this really happening?
For a moment on October 7, 2023, we thought we were the victims. Hang on, weren’t we just massacred, raped, tortured, and taken into captivity? Wasn’t it all captured in The World’s First Ever Live-Streamed GoPro-grom?
What confusion! WE’RE THE RAPISTS!, murderers, baby burners! The Israel Defense Forces (IDF) are the Zionist Occupation Forces (ZOF). From every River to every Sea. Brazil to the BBC.
Turns out we started this! What chutzpah to try finish it!
1,400 dead, 250 hostage, families burnt, wives and daughters raped, sons’ heads hacked off and taken to Gaza and kept in a fridge. I’m terribly sorry but it’s not possible to independently verify any of this. TikTok, ergo sum.
If you rape us do we not bleed? So sorry, no evidence of bleeding. And in any case rape is a legitimate form of resistance when you leave the rapist no choice. This was the only natural response to 75 years of occupation and humiliation. You asked for it. Also, Palestinian women were raped in 1948, according to various documentaries that have been independently verified.
Furthermore, according to distinguished legal experts from South Africa, the rape capital of the world, our girls got what they deserved, broken pelvises and all. South Africa knows what its talking about!
Do you understand?? We’re not the victims of the most sadistic pogrom against Jews since the last most sadistic pogrom against Jews. And if we’re not the victims this time, were we the victims last time? And what about THE time before that? Have we ever been the victim? Impossible to independently verify any of this. It’s your word against theirs and there’s more of their words, so there you have it.
Could it all just be one monumental misunderstanding on our part? Anything is possible. And if it’s possible it’s likely. And if it’s likely it’s Liked and Subscribed. So that’s that.
Get out of Palestine, go back to wherever you came from.
Where is that?
Wherever. From the River to the Sea!
People come from somewhere, where do we we come from?
Wherever, whatever. Free Palestine!
But Jews are indigenous to the land of Judea! It’s in the name, it’s on the tin.
From the River to the Sea. Palestine will be free. Globalize the Intifada. Jesus wasn’t a Jew from Judea, he was a Palestinian, from, from.. not Judea.
From Skokie, Illinois to London’s Soho Theatre, Zionist Pigs don’t belong in this part of the world, or any part of any world. Don’t shit all over our innocent, pure, fair and just world. It’s a Pumpkin Spice Latte World. This is Palestine’s world, and we’re just all dying in it.
Meanwhile, Brexit is killing Britain, but Westminster is obsessed to distraction with us.
In Michigan, where Biden must court Arab American voters pissed at him for his support for Israel, spitting led to a fatal shooting.
Haven’t the people of Michigan suffered enough?
So now we come to the end. They’re lining us up and taking aim, to thunderous applause. A standing ovation for breaking our girls’ pelvises. To what end? Where shall we turn? To the United Nations? The United Nations started us, and now the United Nations is finished with us.
It’s enough to drive you insane. Maybe it already has, and that’s why we feel the world is upside down. If we were sane, would we be so obsessed with their obsession over us? Let them have their obsessions.
Don’t engage, they say. Tune out. Watch a show, the say.
Netflix and kill.
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