Is The War Over? Please Hold
Day 739 of a war that's ended. It has ended, right?
A: Can I delete the app yet?
B: Which app?
A: Homefront Command. The alert thing. Can it go?
C: I don’t know. Can it?
B: Did anyone say we could delete it?
A: Nobody said anything. That’s the problem.
C: Trump said the war’s over. what did he say exactly?
B: (pulls up transcript) “This is not only the end of a war. This is the end of the age of terror and death and the beginning of the age of faith and hope and of God….Historic dawn of a new Middle East… Golden Age of Israel.”
A: Right. But did we say we could delete the app?
B: No. Bibi said we “achieved our objectives.”
A: So that’s... good?
C: The best!.
A: Then why do I still have the app?
B: Because we’re not sure why, if our objectives have been achieved, we can’t say the war is over and delete the rocket app.
A: Exactly. What’s the policy? What’s the guidance? Do we keep the app for earthquakes now?
C: I think the Houthis are quiet.
B: You think?
C: I haven’t heard anything. Have you heard anything?
A: I don’t know what I’m supposed to be listening for anymore. Are the Houthis part of the deal?
B: That’s unclear.
A: What do you mean it’s unclear? How is that unclear? They’re either in the deal or they’re not.
C: They weren’t mentioned in the speeches or the 20-point plan thingy.
B: (flipping through 20-point plan pamphlet) it doesn’t say they’re not in the deal.
A: But they’re not firing.
C: Not currently.
A: Not currently? What does that mean?
C: It means they haven’t fired in... what, a week? Ten days? More?
B: That’s not a commitment. That’s just them not firing right now.
A: So they could fire tomorrow.
C: Yes of course. Or of course not.
A: This is insane.
B: This is Tuesday.
A: OK let me try this again: Is the war over? Is “Swords of Iron” over?
B: The war’s over but only according to Trump. Also it’s unclear if the Houthis are in the deal, so they could resume firing anytime. Also, not all the tunnels in Gaza or the nuclear bunkers in Iran are obliterated. Hamas can leave Gaza and stay. They can keep their weapons and also they can’t. It’s Schrödinger’s Ceasefire.
A: I’m trying to figure out if I can delete the rocket alert app.
C: Keep the app.
A: Why?
C: Because what if the firing starts again?
A: But Trump said—
C: Trump said a lot of things. He said Iran’s obliterated. He said the war’s over. He said we won. Golden Age. It’s done.
A: But is Israel saying we’re officially done? Unofficially done? Officially undone?
B: Correct.
A: And I’m supposed to delete the app based on this?
C: Nobody said delete it.
A: Nobody said to keep it either.
B: So keep it. And delete it.
A: For how long?
C: Until someone tells you otherwise.
A: Who’s going to tell me? Bibi? Trump? Who’s in charge?
B: Welcome to strategic ambiguity.
C: That’s a fancy way of saying you don’t know what the fuck is happening.
B: Talk nicely C.
A: What am I going to do with strategic ambiguity?
C: Keep it next to the bed.
A: Why?
C: Just in case.
A: In case of what? The Houthis aren’t firing.
B: Not currently.
A: Stop saying “not currently.” You’re driving me nuts with your not currently.
C: I’m being accurate.
A: Fuck you.
C: Sorry.
A: I don’t need accuracy. I need clarity. Can we go back to non-war life? Is the war over or not?
C: Essentially. The ceasefire is certainly active.
B: What?
A: You’re doing that thing again. Why don’t you just answer yes or no?
B: You’re getting it now.
A: I’m not getting anything.
C: That’s because there’s nothing to get. You’re doing great!
A: How long will it be like this?
B: Weeks. Maybe months. Max a generation.
A: And then?
C: Then we find out if the war is over or not.
A: So are we better or worse off than before?
C: Essen…uh Yes.
B: We have the hostages. That’s not nothing.
A: But we gave up the war for them.
B: Correction! We gave up declaring the war over.
A: So I keep the app. And my gun?
B: (laughs) Sure. Why not.
C: For sure keep them. Guns and apps are cool.
A: This is absurd.
C: This is Tuesday. You know that. Stick to the facts.
B: Listen, it’s the end of the war with a few loose ends. Actually, some of these ends are very loose. They’re more like loose whales. But that’s OK because the whales are in the sea and the sea is the same sea.
A: Can you say that again in a way that makes sense?
B: No.
A: Fantastic.