How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Gates of Hell
How many gates are there actually? Do they open all the way?
Some of you have asked me to try be more positive, optimistic even, in my writing. Naturally, I take this feedback as opprobrium, an accusation that I’m not being dark enough. If some of my readers ask me for a bit of sunshine, it means I’ve lost my edge. It’s unforgivable. I take pride in being as dark for you as I can be. This is why I get up in the morning. You’re not supposed to even think about the light. There is no light where we’re going, don’t you know that already? Nobody is coming out of this alive. There is no Post to this Trauma, no P in TSD. Jewish trauma is an STD.
But ok, I’ve heard you. Fine, let’s go even darker shall we? Let’s see if there is “another end” of this you can come out of. I’ll hold my breath if you do. Whoever dies last wins.
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For a bunch of so-called settlers, very little here feels settled.
It’s day 490-something-or-other of the October 7 War. I am still counting because no end to the war has been declared. “Swords of Iron”, the war’s official name, is still on. Others call it the “7 Front War” because 7 fronts.
As of this writing, out of the 7 fronts, we are in official ceasefire mode in some places (Gaza, Lebanon), in other places not so much (the West Bank), some places maybe yes (Syria, Golan Heights), maybe no (Yemen), it’s unclear (Iran).
I can still hear the occasional warplane above. This time they’re not bombing Lebanon they’re bombing Jenin, a Palestinian town about an hour and 20 minutes drive from my house. They call Jenin the Gaza of the West Bank because it’s full of jihadis. But before Jenin became the Gaza of the West Bank, Jenin was the Palestinian capital of jihad in the West Bank. In that sense, Gaza is the Jenin of the Gaza Strip. Did you get all that? Are you following me?
I remember Jenin well. 20 years ago during the Last Great War we had here, suicide bombers from Jenin fanned out across Israel, killing and maiming hundreds. Then, as now, Israeli soldiers went into Jenin to kill and be killed.
Now, almost 500 days into this current war that started 100 years ago, we’re at war but also not at war. Ceasefire, but also bullets fly and people die. No war, no peace, no plan. A tiny country, at war with itself and everyone else. Israel isn’t built for long wars. We’re built for short wars that go on forever. Like global commodities markets, our wars are cyclical. Cynical, isn’t it?
Did I say there was no plan? There actually is, reportedly, a ‘plan’. If the ceasefire doesn’t hold—nothing is impossible—the plan then becomes to “Open the Gates of Hell”. This mindset is so tragic, that if it weren't so full of shit, it could be funny. I don't mean to belittle the consequences of what might be coming our way, things can always get worse before they get worse. But rather, I mean to hit this plan with a line of questioning that puts the whole concept into ridicule. Because really, it is ridiculous.
As a born news editor, I have some questions. Regarding the gates themselves, how long do they take to open? How big are the gates and do they need to open all the way? Can they be opened partly, or do they only open fully? What kind of equipment are we going to need to open the gates, or do they have keys?
Which part of Hell do they open onto? How many gates are there, actually? Which way do they open? Has anyone ever opened them before and then also successfully closed them after? What do we know about how that went? Also, how do we know they’re not already open now?
It’s also unclear if “Opening the Gates of Hell” and “Letting All Hell Break Loose” are referring to the same plan, or two different plans.
“Letting” all hell break loose assumes we can “let” whatever is in hell break loose. Does that mean we can also “not-let” or even “stop” hell from breaking loose when we decide to? Also, why would hell need to “break loose” if we’re already opening the gates for it/them/they/their?
Couldn’t all hell just walk out?
There’s a related financial aspect. Apparently there will be “all hell to pay”. What’s the ballpark figure for this? Is there enough money to pay for “all hell”? Could we instead pay for “some hell”, or “just enough hell”? Can we pay for “all hell” in installments? How many installments and what’s the interest on that?
