Press Release Jargon Banned
Use of "bleeding edge," "boil the ocean," "paradigm shift," "move the needle," and "low-hanging fruit," could result in heavy fines and public humiliation.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Jargon Banned in Tech Start-up Press Releases
The use of jargon in press releases by start-ups is officially banned, effective immediately. Research has shown that jargon such as "bleeding edge," "boil the ocean," [[WHAT?]] "paradigm shift," "move the needle," "low-hanging fruit," "unicorn," "pivot," "disrupt," "game-changer," "thought leader," "big data," "machine learning," “quick wins,” and "Robotic Process Automation" have caused confusion and mistrust among stakeholders, resulting in a 5X decrease YOY. Use of jargon has grown 20X CAGR.
The tech industry is renowned for its use of jargon, and it's often used to present an illusion of innovation or to mask a lack of substance behind a particular idea. The banning of jargon in press releases is a crucial step towards increasing transparency and fostering trust among investors, workers, and companies. Tech start-ups will now be required to clearly and accurately explain their plans and strategies in plain language, FWIW.
Other words and phrases now banned in press releases include "Funnel Optimization" (unless the company manufactures funnels), “Hero Messaging,” "Growth Hacking,” “Customer Journey",” "Customer Avatar,” “Scalability,” and “Exit Strategy”.
Companies will no longer be allowed to say they “put their people first” unless they can physically prove that, or that “privacy is at the core of everything” they do without certification from privacy protection authorities. They will also have to stop "Talent Acquisition" and just hire people. “Culture Fit” is no longer legal. If a person is let go they are not to be “Exited” unless employees were physically escorted to the exit. “Scrum” is not to be used outside the context of rugby. "Continuous integration" cannot exist within the same press release as “Sprint” or “Agile Development”. “Customer Success Ninjas” must be certified ninjas. Ditto “Sales Navigators”.
Punishments for violators include, but are not limited to:
The issuance of a public apology and retraction of the press release in question.
Fines equaling 40% of the company’s "Debt-to-Equity Ratio" or 20% of “EBIDTA”
Disqualification of the company from issuing press releases in Q1/H1 (TBD).
CEO at The Company, said: "It has always been core to our strategy that clear communication is key to building trust with our customers and partners. That's why we're thrilled to see the banning of jargon in startup press releases. The use of buzzwords and corporate speak only serves to confuse and alienate audiences. Instead, we must leverage clear, concise brand promises that showcase the true value and innovation of our end-to-end platforms. #clearcommunication #corevalues #inthistogether”.
TIL the future of the tech industry relies on clear and effective communication. We encourage all tech start-ups to review their hero messaging and comply with this new ban on jargon.
We ask that readers bring their whole selves and report any jargon they see to the head of "Object-oriented programming.”